Why Did I Come Back?

I joined PRIME last month. It shouldn't be a big deal. It probably isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Personally, it felt huge. I'm not entirely sure when I decided e-fedding wasn't for me in the great aether before now, early 2022. I was burnt out after years of doing ALL THE E-FEDS because of some grand feeling of hubris, like I could spread my creativity to all feds and give them my magic touch like it was a prize to be given out. I'd like to think I've matured since then, but who knows, maybe I haven't. People change, but people also don't change. There are things that we improve upon and some things we don't. We cannot be the judges of ourselves because we're either too hard on ourselves or too full of ourselves to get an accurate picture. But I digress.

Truth be told, I had been looking for an e-fed to join for a little while. I'd been asking my Twitter mutual followers, or mufos for those who have been brain-poisoned long enough on that site to catch up on its lingo, about their memories of e-feds. A lot of them partook back in the day, the halcyon days of Angelfire sites and Pro Boards. It just so happened that a call for applications for a rebooted PRIME, the crown jewel (in my estimation) of Prime Time Central, floated across my timeline, be it by serendipity or by destiny. I had to apply, right? But why? What was the reason why I was compelled to apply?

Part of the reason was boredom, which in and of itself is a boring reason. The reason why most people start new hobbies, or rekindle old ones, is because they have time to kill. I can only play so many video games. I only write three newsletter issues a week, two if I'm recording a podcast. I could have taken up macrame. I could have tried baking like everyone else during the pandemic. Why e-fedding? Why come back now?

I have unfinished business. There's a void in my life, one that can only be filled by having another run here and now, with people I know. I haven't talked to people about what my reputation is, generally because most of the people with whom I have e-fed heat I have cut out of my life for reasons not pertaining to e-fedding. But I have something to prove to myself. I see people talking about their times in feds everywhere, and I get jealous. I was a malcontent in A1E. I don't shy away from that past, and there's no way I can really rectify it because A1 Wrestling is in my rearview for reasons that again do not pertain to e-fedding. When you take a hard left turn in your life and everyone in the place where you are stays camped on the right. 

What I can do, however, is forge a new path and prove myself, to me, to the people judging whatever RPs I write, to my peers. I can do something I'm proud of instead of starting an arc and burning out. Time and perspective mean a lot. In those days, especially towards the beginning of that run, I just wanted to win. Winning is nice. I'd like to win every match I get in. The difference from then and now was that back then, winning was the only thing. Now, it's a nice byproduct of telling a story I believe in, am proud of. IN the interim, if I can help facilitate some other stories and make the fed run smoothly, then I'm all for it.

Like I said before, PRIME coming along and restarting was serendipitous or predestined, but it was the place for me to do this damn thing. Back in the day, I put PRIME on a pedestal. It was where the best of the best handlers went and did their thing, and from afar, it looked like a veritable all-star promotion, one like a city on a hill behind a wall. I was wrong, obviously, but that allure made me float back like a cartoon wolf following the scent of a pie on the window. After being back for a few months, I can tell that it is in fact an all-star fed, but there's nothing standoffish about it. It's warm and welcoming, and it is the best possible place for me to do a comeback.

I'm not sure how this run will end. I hope it doesn't for a long time, to be honest. My aim is to tell stories that people remember, or more importantly, I remember and am proud of. If I don't, then maybe it wasn't meant to be to be an e-fedder. I hope that isn't the case.